Δ Always thankful for 14S03Q.

29 April 2013, 22:03

Even though we can ultra weird and refuse to speak up during tutorials, 14S03Q is great. At least, there is a bunch of people in the class who really are very very nice and I'm super thankful for their replies after something which happened just now. Earlier in the day, my friend and I actually told a friend to be more careful of what she posts on whatsapp. And just now, that friend posted on whatsapp about her good intentions of doing so and I guess, hoping that the class would not judge her for all the seemingly awkward messages. And immediately, I felt super super guilty because I felt that I hadn't chose my words correctly in the afternoon and probably came across too harsh and insensitive. But nonetheless, a handful of my classmates were actually very very encouraging and replied in a very nice and sensitive way. I don't know if this friend of mine feels more appreciated but I was personally very grateful, particularly since I was a major cause of it, to these people for caring so much and having the heart to not overlook such a comment that others would probably just scroll past or critique. Thank you guys (:

Δ It's only term 2.

27 April 2013, 22:55

It's been weeks since I've posted, things have been busy. I dislike how things are now. I'm just so freaking tired everyday, I feel like I'm losing track of myself. I'm either busy rushing things out to fulfill the deadlines or just too tired/not in the mood to study when I'm free. I don't know how this makes sense at all but it's like I have to forced into doing something to get anything done but that drains me out. There's so many things that I  want to do but I just don't have the time or I just can't find the right time for it. Sometimes I just want to be alone but my life is pretty much dictated by school or family. I can't find an excuse to go home myself nor do I have time to read or go out to shop or whatever, not like I have the money anyway. I just go to school with a smile everyday, earpieces plugged in, telling myself to forget and that today will be better, telling myself that I wouldn't sleep through one lecture then another, then sit at the back of class for every tutorial in a half hearted attempt to learn, in an over competitive environment where everyone else are overachievers. Everybody has CCAs 3 times a week, acing in one subject or another, going for a competition then another, involved in a project then another, doing a CIP then another; everyone but me. Ironically, everyone's happy and coping well except for me. I ask myself what I'm doing but I can't find an answer. I want to do things I'm interested in but they are, at least for now, only applicable as hobbies, as dreams. Dreams that may never be fulfilled but still somehow remain as dreams, unrealistic dreams.

I recently took out the long ruler that Townsville gave us in P6, the words on it read "Measure your success by the amount of effort you put in." I haven't been putting in enough effort, I know, that's why I'm trying, I'm trying to find myself. But how I hope to find someone who really cares, who cares enough in the process. I'm tired, so tired. But I don't think I'll give up because of those dreams, those unrealistic dreams that kill me time after time.