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Leileilei | Rants&Updates | OtherStuffs

bienvenue x:

About!

CHEONGYILEI
Me, I don't eat (most of) my veggies. I enjoy air-conditioners on humid mornings, ice-creams on cold evenings and sleeping on rainy nights. I'm a dreamer and a kpop lover. I like dark red roses and bright yellow sunflowers, but I hate artificial flowers. I like travelling and daydreaming a lot better than annotating literature texts though I like libraries, bookstores and thick a4-sized notebooks. I think its fun to scribble stuff - words, quotes, pictures, symbols - in my notebooks. I have a tendency of writing notes on foolscap and losing them ): Oh, I think I want to dye my hair red when I grow up. And and and, I think its pretty fun writing this.

Δ December holidayyyyyyyyyyyyys. (:

18 December 2013, 17:29

Haha idk, but it's just a random thought that this december holiday isn't really that bad at all (: I've been watching dramas (I'm addicted to Empress Ki now, but it's a 50 episode melodrama that's not going to end before school starts - oh noes -), but I still use my brains once in a while (french coursework...). Yeah, basically I'm doing a lot stuffs that I enjoy, for example, I've been working on collating all the small pieces of things like brochures and advertisements I got from France, catching up with my reading, friends (oh man I had the last YIA meeting on monday )): Will really miss travelling down to Alexandra, getting there late, lamenting that I don't have time to get Gong Cha or Starbucks, meeting the awesome fellow ambassadors and last but not least, the nescafe coffee machine that makes me my monthly dose of awesome free moccha/milo. D': ) and yeah, just doing things I want to do.

And yupps, I forgot to mention some of my awesome finds (ahem, buys) in France. Ok, I just saw them standing/lying/laying on my table and so, I decided to just write it in :DD I've gotten this really nice (ok I haven't started using it but it was really super light/weak and pretty refreshing when I tried it before buying) Roger & Gallet perfume - hey the name immediately screams "I'm french but I'm not a big brand!!" and catches my attention. (But uhm a bit of googling just told me the brand is actually pretty established and uhm it's supposed to have citrus undertones such as yuzu - ok - and grapefruit - uhm... ok - and mandrain orange - whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttt - ok I seriously didn't smell that, so I hope I still don't when I use it. ) And ok it's not that cheap /: And uhm Annie gave me the same ballpoint pen Madeleine gave me!! :D .. Just when I probably damaged the one madeleine gave me - the ink refuses to flow!! It's the tip I think. And yes dessserts - this nestle dessert with whipped cream on top and chocolate cream below. Oh my, it's so good.

But meh my family doesn't really like the pain d'épices though I really love it, especially when it's coated in chocolate - though still a bit too sweet - or taken with butter(!!!!!!!!!).

Ok I realised this post is kinda crappy. Bye, back to coursework.

Δ A 1512 reflection

16 December 2013, 00:45

When I said yes two years ago, I took the flight to live in somebody else's world. I travelled the world but I eventually returned to that world. In preparation for the trip, I took a whole nine months (or more) to pack up. Then when a good deal appeared, I gave it three weeks of careful consideration, and I bought the ticket. A year and a few months, I decided to buy the return ticket because I faced the reality that I was already down graded to a normal double-bed room from the suite. And then I took two weeks to pack up, another two weeks of lying in the bed of denial and a week of staring into space. Tonight, I'm checking out and I'm taking the flight back.

When I heard something tonight, I almost blew my top. I was seriously pissed, if not very very pissed. And I almost did something that might just be a reflection of how "low class and no standard", as my mum puts it, I would be.

I just realised that I was blinded and bound by the greed for love. I fell in love because I was greedy for love and yet I fell out of love for the exact same reason. I held on tightly to the past, living under the illusion of it, refusing to let go, for the fear of all the love I would lose. But because I was holding the regrets of the past as tightly as the joys, I am affected whenever someone touches my sacred box of the past. I had forgotten that by holding on to the past, I was losing the present, and I was just - s t u c k .

While - anon quote - "I secretly want to (...), see you smile, hug you and hold your hand", I will not because I'm letting go. I want to cherish the present, not the past, for fate and destiny have greater things in lie for me. I want to be neutral instead of disgusted, congratulatory and joyful instead of neutral.

I want to let go. Fully.

So for one last time, my past, merci, au revoir.

Today I am thankful for my past.

Δ Today I am thankful

12 December 2013, 22:37

Today I am thankful that my family took the time to read my new travel journal - part 1 of it but ah well, they can't read the second part since it's gonna be in french (: (I even brought out the big box of journals containing collectibles from Bordeaux and the History trip for them hehe) Lalala~

Δ Back from Dijon.. with mixed feelings

07 December 2013, 17:56

Ce voyage-là me rends très heureuse, mais aussi triste au même temps. Peut-être pas triste, mais déçu avec certains. Je suis vachement contente d'avoir une famille d'accueil si gentille et sympa avec moi, qui avait fait le maximum pour s'assurer que j'ai profité le plus possible du stage. Mais je crois que je me suis découverte un fait et il m'a vraiment gênée, parce que ce qui j'ai aimé le plus s'en fous de moi; et ceux qui je ne me suis pas beaucoup occupé, s'occupe et se soucie de moi.

(Language change, I need to type things out, quick, while I can still think objectively.)
This trip leaves me with mixed feelings. On one hand, I'm wholly grateful for my wonderful host family who has been nothing but kind and generous towards me, making sure I enjoyed my stay in Dijon. However, in my opinion, this trip split us (the class) more than it bonded us, and that's just plain sad. Yet I'm overwhelmed by the fact that some whom I care about most couldn't care less about me; while some of those whom I had critisms on turned out to be those who actually cared. I'm worn down by the façade I have to put up because I'm feeling like terrible and helpless. I have to confess that those who pay attention see through that façade, but yet I can't bring myself to admit to them its existence because I can't afford to do so. I have to move on. I don't have a choice, at least not so anymore. So I just get drunk, drink over the usual limit for myself and allow myself to wallow in self-pity via a deep unconscious slumber. I just watch from afar, laugh at how silly am I, standing up for a person who couldn't care less, who moves on and on and on, while I'm always lagging behind. Maybe the others are right, that I've been standing up for a lost cause, a (faux) façade, but I can't believe it or see it from myself, because I've been treated with grace and understanding, with patience and what I considered love, and I learnt to trust more than anything. To find security in trust. (Or perhaps, just an illusion of all these things. ) So now all I do is stand there, watch them all, keep watching and watching, put up that façade, and continue watching, and convince myself to accept this all.

Because you have long gone too far for me to catch up, because you were never mine. "So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost. "

Δ Nightmare.

03 December 2013, 13:32

I had a nightmare. I am so screwed up. What I'm doing is also screwed up. But what Im thinking is the most screwed up I guess. Why am I the only one who sees things that way when I am supposed to be the one on the far end opposite?

So screwed up.