Δ It's only term 2.

27 April 2013, 22:55

It's been weeks since I've posted, things have been busy. I dislike how things are now. I'm just so freaking tired everyday, I feel like I'm losing track of myself. I'm either busy rushing things out to fulfill the deadlines or just too tired/not in the mood to study when I'm free. I don't know how this makes sense at all but it's like I have to forced into doing something to get anything done but that drains me out. There's so many things that I  want to do but I just don't have the time or I just can't find the right time for it. Sometimes I just want to be alone but my life is pretty much dictated by school or family. I can't find an excuse to go home myself nor do I have time to read or go out to shop or whatever, not like I have the money anyway. I just go to school with a smile everyday, earpieces plugged in, telling myself to forget and that today will be better, telling myself that I wouldn't sleep through one lecture then another, then sit at the back of class for every tutorial in a half hearted attempt to learn, in an over competitive environment where everyone else are overachievers. Everybody has CCAs 3 times a week, acing in one subject or another, going for a competition then another, involved in a project then another, doing a CIP then another; everyone but me. Ironically, everyone's happy and coping well except for me. I ask myself what I'm doing but I can't find an answer. I want to do things I'm interested in but they are, at least for now, only applicable as hobbies, as dreams. Dreams that may never be fulfilled but still somehow remain as dreams, unrealistic dreams.

I recently took out the long ruler that Townsville gave us in P6, the words on it read "Measure your success by the amount of effort you put in." I haven't been putting in enough effort, I know, that's why I'm trying, I'm trying to find myself. But how I hope to find someone who really cares, who cares enough in the process. I'm tired, so tired. But I don't think I'll give up because of those dreams, those unrealistic dreams that kill me time after time.