Δ Back from Dijon.. with mixed feelings

07 December 2013, 17:56

Ce voyage-là me rends très heureuse, mais aussi triste au même temps. Peut-être pas triste, mais déçu avec certains. Je suis vachement contente d'avoir une famille d'accueil si gentille et sympa avec moi, qui avait fait le maximum pour s'assurer que j'ai profité le plus possible du stage. Mais je crois que je me suis découverte un fait et il m'a vraiment gênée, parce que ce qui j'ai aimé le plus s'en fous de moi; et ceux qui je ne me suis pas beaucoup occupé, s'occupe et se soucie de moi.

(Language change, I need to type things out, quick, while I can still think objectively.)
This trip leaves me with mixed feelings. On one hand, I'm wholly grateful for my wonderful host family who has been nothing but kind and generous towards me, making sure I enjoyed my stay in Dijon. However, in my opinion, this trip split us (the class) more than it bonded us, and that's just plain sad. Yet I'm overwhelmed by the fact that some whom I care about most couldn't care less about me; while some of those whom I had critisms on turned out to be those who actually cared. I'm worn down by the façade I have to put up because I'm feeling like terrible and helpless. I have to confess that those who pay attention see through that façade, but yet I can't bring myself to admit to them its existence because I can't afford to do so. I have to move on. I don't have a choice, at least not so anymore. So I just get drunk, drink over the usual limit for myself and allow myself to wallow in self-pity via a deep unconscious slumber. I just watch from afar, laugh at how silly am I, standing up for a person who couldn't care less, who moves on and on and on, while I'm always lagging behind. Maybe the others are right, that I've been standing up for a lost cause, a (faux) façade, but I can't believe it or see it from myself, because I've been treated with grace and understanding, with patience and what I considered love, and I learnt to trust more than anything. To find security in trust. (Or perhaps, just an illusion of all these things. ) So now all I do is stand there, watch them all, keep watching and watching, put up that façade, and continue watching, and convince myself to accept this all.

Because you have long gone too far for me to catch up, because you were never mine. "So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost. "