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Leileilei | Rants&Updates | OtherStuffs

bienvenue x:

Δ Things. I guess.

19 September 2014, 17:17

多遥远多纠结多想念多无法描写
疼痛和疯癫你都看不见
想穿越想飞天想变成造字的仓颉
创造能让你想起我的字眼

多遥远多纠结多想念多无法描写
疼痛和疯癫你都看不见
想穿越想飞天想变成造字的仓颉
写出能让你快回来的诗

需要你需要你需要你想逆转时间
回到最开始有你的世界
想穿越想飞天想变成造字的仓颉
写出让宇宙能重来的诗篇

仓颉 - 五月天

I'm pretty tired out from studying so let me take a break and write about things that have happened over the last few days. I haven't told anyone, or more precisely I haven't told the full story to anyone, so here you have it first hand, probably not so fresh from the oven (seeing its a few days old).

It was pretty disastrous. Preliminary exams have started and they were really tough and I struggled a lot with them, more than I did with my CTs, so that is not exactly a good piece of news. This was particularly so for chemistry on Wednesday, where I basically blanked out during the exam although it was a doable paper. Some may say its just because I was not well prepared enough, that's why I panicked and blanked out, sure, I don't deny that, but in any case, it was not a good experience. I think it was pretty obvious that I was upset back at home, but I escaped my friends fast enough and ran to the seventh floor where no one is during this time of the year, and cried for I don't even know how long. It felt like I didn't know what I was doing, or why I was crying, but I just cried because I was truly stressed out and completely helpless about it. It has been pretty long since I've started thinking this way but all too suddenly, I started wondering how much better and less stressful could life have been if I never enrolled myself into this supposedly fast track raffles programme and just went through o levels, probably go to polytechnic and get a job after. I personally find it a selfish thought, so I've always dismissed the idea but times like this just get me thinking? It makes me wonder why am I studying and what am I studying for; and truthfully, I have no idea.

Then I had this unfortunate incident of meeting with this not so courteous schoolmate who was talking loudly to his peers and clearly made no attempt to do so in a low shushed voice - I could even overhear them with my earphones plugged in. Annoyed me decided to change a table and give them the universal signal signal for silence please - shhh - anyway. Unlike his peers who were immediately embarrassed and lowered their volumes, this other guy said "fuck her lah". I think I really tried my best to walk away and only turn back to give him a - hopefully deadly and not stupid looking - stare. Why do I meet such impolite people, I think it ruined my Wednesday twice.

Then there was french prelim results yesterday, which I did pretty well but not well enough nonetheless. It feels like I'm not putting enough effort, still, into my studies - particularly in comparison with my friends who have made continuous leaps of significant improvements. I just wished I made such improvements too. Sighs.

You know, I'm trying. I'm really really really trying; but sometimes, I don't know how much more I can do this. Is it really just another 64 days? Who understands and who cares? I guess I'll just go back to doing more past year papers.