Δ We're fireworks with a wet fuse, Flying planes with paper wheels

06 September 2014, 22:42

High on words 
We almost used 
We're fireworks with a wet fuse 
Flying planes with paper wheels 
To the same Achilles heels

- Find You, Zedd

Well, I didn't sleep well yesterday. I dreamt about quite a lot and it scares me actually that what I've been asking myself has been reflected in one of those dreams. Perhaps it would have been better if I made some sort of a choice in the dream (so I could at least convince myself that my subconscious had already given me the response to those tricky questions) but instead of giving an answer, I woke up. It's like, when I'm lost and don't know what to do, I escape from it just like how I escaped from the dream. And if you're wondering what that particular dream is about, it is, simply put, about him asking me out again. I seem to have hinted yes but I woke up before giving an answer. So is that a no? Funny I still don't know the answer.

But uhm yeah, other than that, something that I've been thinking a lot about these days is French. Well, I've been thinking about what to write for my university application essays and have also been studying for French prelims (which were horrible and terrible and vegetable) for the past few days. Hence, it occured to me that I could possibly write something about French? It seems like the first thing people think about when they think of me anyway, but in the process, I realised that I didn't know or wasn't exactly sure why I knew I would miss all this frenchy-ness. Could it be the walk? Could it be the classes? Could it be the people? I keep asking myself but it seems like one of the few answers that I could gather was... inappropriate I'd say. It seems to me sometimes that my love for french now is just the way in which I'm desperately trying to reconnect with who I was in the past? As if I didn't want to let go of french because I didn't want to let go of the past - and I really can't say if that's a good thing or not. The thing is, such thoughts make me feel.. empty? I don't know, I'm trying to put it into words but I just can't. I used to think it was jealousy, jealous that someone else now has what I had, or perhaps it was anger, angry about how everything turned out to be, that I feel empty especially regarding french, but I pretty much concluded it was guilt, guilty of letting everything turn out the way it had; and guilt ate me up. It took away who I was and now I don't know, I'm just leeching on whatever's left. I don't even know if I make anymore sense. I probally don't, sorry, ignore me please.

Just so you know, there was another dream where I went on some school trip with my close friends and we had to attend those typical shops you'd have to go to when you travel in China as part of the package - I don't know if I'm in China actually - just that it was some motorbike shop this time. So being the usual me, I was like whaaaaat? Not like I'm going to buy a motorcycle right?! and I ended up talking and blowing soap bubbles - yah I know wth - with my friends at the back while the sales personnel was still trying to advertise his products. Obviously the teacher came over to reprimand us for our attitude and the usual rude me strikes again, challenging her assumption that we had to listen even though we had no intention of buying. So my friends and I got punished and got sent to do a navy blue themed powerpoint, which I refused to do and ended up shopping on taobao. All I did was to draw big blue rectangles that covered the whole slide - so they essentially just look like the background - for each slide. LOL. And my friend was really scared and she went ahead to do the presentation. Before we knew it, quite a bit of time has passed and we realised that we had no idea where our friends and teachers were. So we ended up running along the corridors trying to find them, I even tried calling them on the phone, but guess who picked up. Some guy who called himself Messi, but when I turned around, he was just some tall caucassian guy - ok pretty good looking - but I have no idea who is he, he is definitely not Messi hahaha. And then my mum woke me up. I'm actually happy she did, felt like I was trapped in that crazy thriller.