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Δ Honours List yay?

09 September 2017, 20:49

So let's start with the good news which is that I made it to the ASD Honours List for Sophomore and Junior (half way through it only actually) terms! I've become so used to being the weakest, forever going scoring Es and going for supplementary classes, that this news became so important to me. I was initially a little lost about how to feel actually, I was hesitant and scared that such an announcement would make me become proud and arrogant, that I would put on airs and forget about working hard; but then today at the ceremony, there were two things that comforted me: firstly, I saw a smile of affirmation from my prof, as if someone truly recognised the certificate as the fruits of my labour and hard work; secondly and most important, my senior said something along these lines to me "congrats, it seems like you've made the right choice." I can't even describe the gratitude towards him when he said that to me, that someone I had barely spoken too had remembered the problems I faced. I recalled the times when I was still in Freshmore, when I felt completely confused about whether or not to quit DDP, when barely anyone was supporting my choice to go ASD, then when I was so frustrated over my first project because I didn't seem to quite get anything right and when this feeling repeats itself during every other project. (I even remember the time this senior gave me impromptu advice when I met him while sketching sections on the level five link bridge - which I still do but ok) Perhaps it's a really small achievement and doesn't even count (the really pro people weren't in the honours list for some weird reason), but still, thank you to everyone who has made this possible for me. (':

Yet at this moment, there's this part of me where sadness is stirring. Perhaps I'm discontented, maybe I'm ungrateful. But I wish I could be a normal teenager. I want to not do so well and still feel ok and hopeful about it. I want to do crazy things that I'll only do when I'm young. I want to be inquisitive and experience the world. I want to be lazy, stupid and bitchy. (Maybe I already am but I can't even realise that.) These stupid desires of mine, I know, are childish and naive. People who don't do so well are actually sad about it, they just don't show it. Why am I not doing crazy things? Is it the fault of others again? Can I, really, not do something about it? Why am I not being inquisitive? Do you really think you aren't lazy, stupid or bitchy? Deep down, I wallow in self pity and blame everybody else for the things I don't have the guts to do - and it upsets me very much, that I'm putting the blame on everybody else but myself. I question my life in the future, I question what I truly look for in life, and I question my ability to achieve the life I want, or even, how realistic the life I want is. People say that dreams are good, that if you can dream it you can do it, and that success is 99% hardwork and 1% inspiration, but I question the relevance of these phrases in today's world. Perhaps I can become the best student but so what? That's all I can be. That's all, I'll never be more than that. That's really all I can be.